Monday, January 31, 2011

My Own Spiritual Handcart Journey


Picture from our stake Treck in Aug. 2005  Rocky Ridge


I love the handcart pioneers. I have tremendous admiration for them. I have sat in the holy place of Rock Creek and considered if I could have made it through such a situation and be as strong as they were in their faith. I am not sure I would have had the strength to endure. I am seriously such a wimp. My own ancestors were part of the Martin Handcart Company, and I read their stories and think “no way! I am not that tough.”


But it was pointed out to me recently, by a very dear friend, that I have been on my own Handcart Journey this past year. Full of uphill climbs, pulling hard to get past this hurdle or that, and then followed by a nice downhill rest.

My (three great) grandmother Eliza Gadd is my special angel who conquered Rocky Ridge and came to the Salt Lake Valley. She lost two children and her husband along the way. Can you imagine how alone she felt as she climbed Rocky Ridge in that horrible snow storm?

As she trudged along this horrible ridge with her children she developed snow blindness. The hardest part of her journey she had to do blind. But because she made it though, this horrible journey with her family I am here today, with the gospel in my life.

Why would she have anything to do with my journey? Although I have had no true physical pains as I have conquered my own obstacles, I have felt spiritual pain as I have never felt before. At times the anguish I have felt for my little ones, whom I have never held in my arms before, has been paralyzing. How can this be? I’m not really sure how, but the unsettled feelings in my heart never leave me. The intensity comes and goes, but the ache is always there.

As we pull up our last ridge I find it to be the hardest of all our pulls. I stand still to rest and look over our journey and the loss of Wei Zong Oui.  My arms long to hold her and tell her how she was loved on this earth. We like many of the pioneers have lost a child along the way. I’m sure our hurt is not as significant as theirs but right now it still adds to the load I feel.

I have felt like many of the pioneers who said I can make it as far as that tree then I will stop. The only difference for me is I have said, I can make it through January then I will stop and be able to see the end coming soon.  February starts tomorrow and the end still has no real date, and I feel the climb is too hard and I can see no end. I have now developed snow blindness of my own and I can’t see what’s in front of me. All I have is faith that the Lord will take me by the hand and lead me along as he has always done in the past.

The road is long and very lonely with no known end in sight, just the promise that it will end. I know it will, but until then I will keep going no matter how long or hard the road. I know I can climb any mountain with my Savior by my side, and in the end Liddia will be with her forever family and will have the gospel in her life just like my angel grandmother Eliza Gadd did for me.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Love Of A Brother



Drew's Shoes

Not long ago I noticed that Drew was coming home from school with his socks drenched because of playing in the snow. He would come home and change his socks, then do his homework. No complaining just changing socks. It didn't seem to unusual because I know how Drew plays. After school is pretty crazy time at our house, so it was quickly forgotten .... by me.

Now what you need to know is that Drew is tough. Not just normal tough, tough as nails tough. The kid feels no pain. The other thing about Drew, is that although his body is tough his heart is so tender and sweet.

After a few weeks. (I know it took me weeks to catch on to this.) I finally asked him. "Drew why do you keep changing socks after school?" (I mean the laundry! Right?) Drew just said "Mom I think I might need new shoes, but I know we need the money for Liddia, so I can wait."
What!!!! I look at his shoes. Huge holes in the soles!


Now what can a mother say. My heart was so proud yet broken at the same time. Proud because he is so loving and so concerned for his sister and for us. Broken because it took me so long to realize what he was doing.

Needless to say he now has shoes.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

It All Comes Down To This!




Yesterday was a BIG day!!! We sent the last of our paper work to our adoption agency so they can send it to China. What does that mean you might ask? Well this is the e-mail I received from our adoption coordinator….

It can take up to a week for a wire transfer to process to China, and then the Consulate usually has the packet for approx. 10 days. That would put things right in the middle of Chinese New Year, which means that things will be on hold for at least a week in early February. After the Consulate is done processing, Peter Fed-Exes everything back to the CCAA, which would probably be around the 2nd week in Feb, depending on when the Chinese New Year Ends. It could also be bumped back a week. So potentially the TA could be issued by the end of February, depending on where they’re at with the TA cycle. That might be a low or overly optimistic guess, but it could be possible for travel in March. If we miss TA’s on this batch round, we might not get the TA till later in March, with early April travel. But it will happen!!

Looking on the optimistic side we are looking at being in China the middle of March. That is if everything hits just right. So we are praying that everything will hit just right for us. This has been a long and winding road, and we are ready to start a new journey. A journey that will now include our sweet Liddia (Xin Xiau Yu).

Skiing Anyone?

Sking Anyone???

Awesome Andrew
Spencer Getting Ready
Ethan & Bridger
Max just kept smiling all day!


On Martin Luther King Day we decided to go skiing/snowboarding. We had tons of fun. The boys showed off their skills. Dad went off black diamond’s with the boys while Mom and Max kept on the bunny hill. We had lots of fun, and the boys can’t wait to go again. Maybe next weekend????

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Our Journey To Adopt

Our journey started when I was pregnant with Spencer. I had a dream in April 1999 of my Dad holding a little girl with tons of black hair. My Dad had passed away August 13, 1998, so to me it was pretty significant. That was the whole dream just him holding a little girl. Then Spencer came, then Drew, then Max; where is the girl with black hair?!

Four years ago in January 2006 a feeling that something significant would happen to our family. Then little feelings that someone was missing. Max was not even a year old and I was pretty overwhelmed. So that thought was quickly dismissed. Then little things would happen that would get my attention. Like reading an article about a family who adopted from Guatemala or standing in line in Disney Land and having a lady out of the blue tell me her story of adopting her little girl from China. My heart was touched. But not enough to do anything about it. Then it just started, I couldn’t get away from it. I would see something on TV about adoption, hear an advertisement on the radio, see a billboard on the freeway. It wasn’t just about adoption either it was China. Everywhere I went I was remined of China. I felt like there was a neon sign blinking "Hello you need to adopt from China!"

Finally I prayed and basically said "Heavenly Father I have my hands full. If this is something you really want us to do. It needs to fall in my lap. I don’t know where to start or what to do." The next day my mother-in-law threw me a LDS Living magazine while I was at her house. It fell open to an advertisement from an adoption agency that specialized in China Adoptions. I showed Brendon. He had that "deer in the head lights" look in his eyes.

We went home; I knew what we needed to do. Brendon looked up China adoptions on the internet. It was then we learned about their one child policy, and I sat there in disbelief. Really!!!

But for me there was no way I could turn back. Brendon needed some time to digest it. Then one night Brendon after he had been praying about it he came into our bedroom and told me, “We have a daughter in China. We have to go get her.”

So there we sat two nobodies who haven’t gone anywhere or done anything out of the ordinary, living in a small town. We were feeling very unqualified. I asked Brendon how? He said call that adoption agency and turn it over to God." And so it began…

From that moment in July to September of 06 I would wake up and feel pushed to get paperwork done. Then one evening I had an experience as I was falling asleep. I could feel her with me. It was very distinct as I could feel when she was there and when she was gone. I felt that maybe she was worried I would forget about her or give up on her. At the time it made no sense. I had spent the last 3 months eating and breathing her adoption. Then the China adoption back log came.

For reasons no one knows the wait to adopt from China went form 12 months to 3, 4, 5 years or longer. About 3 years passed, the urgency faded, and I nearly gave up. I didn’t understand why all of this happened.

So last February during Stake Conference those familiar feelings came again. I still didn’t understand. I now had 5 boys. Ben was born a year earlier in 09. I realized that I didn’t know what overwhelmed was when I had just 4 boys. So again came a mother's prayer..."Okay Heavenly Father, where are these feeling coming from? Help me to understand and come to terms with all of it."

The next day, Ethan came down in the morning and said "Mom I had a crazy dream." "Oh yeah" I say "Tell me." "I dreamed you had another baby." I laughed and said "yeah you're right that is crazy." "But mom" he says "she came out walking." Oh… "But you know Ethan that is not happening. I have my hands full."

Later that day, the adoption agency called asking if we would be interested in a special needs adoption. My mouth was saying things and asking things I hadn’t thought of in years. Then I called Brendon to tell him what happened. I didn’t see the deer in the head lights look in his eyes but I felt it. Needless to say, we were on the path to finding her again by the end of the day.

After a few months I saw her face in May of last year. After almost four years I saw my little girls face she looked like an angle to me. It was amazing!

Then as most of you know on Sept 27 the day after my birthday, we found out that our little girl passed away. I called Brendon heartbroken. I kept saying "it can’t end this way. After all of this.... this is how it ends." Less than an hour later he called me to let me know we could be sealed to her. Brendon's boss felt the same way I did and put a call into the temple and found out that she could still be ours. It made sense now to me. No wonder I could feel her by me that night. No wonder she was worried I would give up.

On Saturday November 6th she was sealed to our family. Wei Zong Oui now had a place to fit. I presume she was greeted, hugged, loved, kissed, and warmly welcomed into our family by those on the other side. My Dad and grandparents, Brendon’s grandparents, and all of our family on the other side would have opened their arms to her as a family member. Now, finally, she had a place to fit in. She now has family, someone who loves, and will care for her. She has someone to be with and learn from until we can also join her and be with her.

Then on Oct. 19 we found our Liddia Xin our second daughter. Brendon happened to check our phone messages that night before going to bed. He said "Rachelle Amy called (Amy is our adoption coordinator) she locked a file for us." "Yeah right" I said, "that's not funny." So he played her message for me. Sure enough it was Amy saying she had locked a file for us. Her message is still on our phone today. It reminds me this is real we have found our daughter. We prayed before we opened Amy's e-mail. Before even opening her file Brendon knew it was her. I saw her sweet face and grabbed his hand. It was her!! We had now found our second daughter. The more we read about her the more we fell in love. God works in mysterious ways.

Whats Up In Our World

So..... I decided to post some of the smile boxes I have done of our family to catch you up on what has been going on with us. I have not been the greatest at this blogging thing. I hope to be better especially as this will be our journal in China and one of the ways our kids will be able to see what we are doing there.

But let me be honest. Blogging takes time, and that really is one thing I run short on. I have a goal of at least once a week until we go. Maybe I will surprize myself and turn a new leaf. Maybe.... Just Maybe....

New Pictures Of Liddia (Xiao Yu)

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Our Liddia

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Our Camping Trip

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Brown Boyz Can Play!!!

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Our Boyz

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ELEVEN WEEKS and counting.......


So today Brendon and I have to get our imunizations so we can travel to China. Yuck Shots!!! What we do for our kids. I do this everyday, you would think that a shot would be no big deal. But the thought of someone sticking a sharp pointy thing in my arm frankly scares me to death.

This picture of Liddia I found on the Half The Sky Foundation website. She is part of there little sister program. When I found it I tried to call Brendon, but he was in a meeting, so I called my friend at West Sands who is also familar with her picture. She confirmed what I thought as well. I guess a mother just knows. We feel it is such a huge blessing that she has had this opportunity to be a part of this program. We have experienced so many miricles a long the way, and Half The Sky is one of them.

We are now in the process of applying for our visas, and waiting for acceptance from homeland securety to bring her into the country. This has been such a long journey, eleven weeks really seems doable now.

I just love this picture, beacuse it reminds me of myself. Always with a doll!! We have several pictures of her holding a doll. I'm not getting my hopes up because in one of the pictures she is looking at the doll like "what the heck are you!"